We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
