first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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