Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
