His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
