fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
