I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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