You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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