Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
