Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just gift wrapped bread.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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