At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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