i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sorry my hands just texted you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
