I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
