apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
