I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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