obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
