she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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