i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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