At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
