Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
