I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
