Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
