im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
