plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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