hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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