I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
