Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
