I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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