i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
