have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
