I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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