Your tits are I can't wait for
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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