I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
