Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
