so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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