Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
