between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
