And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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