I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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