P.S. I can't hear my feet
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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