dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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