I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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