OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize