I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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