did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
