dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
