Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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