she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
