i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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