they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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