You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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