Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
