The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
