He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
