did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This can only be settled by a dance off.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
