Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
