the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
